Category Archives: Emotional Health

Emotional health is just as important as physical health. Here are my thoughts on the subject. . .

Looking my age

Looking my age

I’ve been holding back on this, but it’s starting to really bug me. So file this away, please.

My peer group is starting to approach and crush 40 years old. Everywhere I see and hear, “But you don’t LOOK forty! SERIOUSLY, you don’t! You’re so beautiful!”

I was faced with this for the first time ever a couple of months ago when I turned 38, and people kept insisting I don’t look a day over 27.

I speak strictly for myself, but maybe this will resonate with others.

1. Age is an abstract number based on a unit of measurement. Different countries have annual calenders of different lengths and start counting years differently. And know what? No one has ever taken a picture of age. So how on Earth does anyone know what it looks like???

2. That said, I DO look my age. I live inside a body that is a certain age, and this is what it looks like.

3. Newsflash: Implying that “looking my age” is the opposite of being something you’d want to look at is not actually a compliment.

4. I have earned most of the changes in my body. I have worn sunscreen and eye creams or not, I have slept or not, I have exercised or not, I have cooked or not. My worry lines are there because I have cared. My laugh lines are there because I have found joy. I have physical scars because I had adventures. I have stretch marks and round cheeks because of the journey my body and I made from enemies to soulmates. So remember, when you try to compliment me by erasing 11 years of my life… That’s what you are actually taking away: Me.

5. My life is so very far from over. A few months ago I was getting a little worried, then I stopped and conducted a full 10 seconds of first-grade math. I discovered that I’m not even half way into my career yet. This is comforting, because it feels like I’ve been in this for a REALLY long time already.

6. And think about it… If NO ONE “looks their age,” then clearly whatever standard we are using for this is no longer the standard.

So when my age comes up…
Tell me I look healthy.
Tell me I have lived well.
Ask me about my adventures.
Ask me what’s next.
Tell me the years have been good to me.

Please, do not tell me I don’t look my age.

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Distracted on Purpose

Distracted on Purpose

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I want to share with you about a chat I had with God tonight…

See, the last 3 weeks have been rough. I am a professional secret-keeper, and things happened that I can’t talk about. I’ve had a huge number of deadlines in the past few weeks. I had a birthday. There was an awful bombing in Iraq. Innocent people have been killed in America. I’m completely not registering that I brushed my teeth or have my lunch sitting next to me. I totally forgot a really important day in my friend’s life, that I had planned to highlight. I really need to avoid people for a day or two, but there’s all that adulting stuff like the dentist tomorrow. I’m actually fine, and not exactly stressed (at the moment). But it’s been rough. 

Let’s put that on the back burner.

Not many people know that my mouth is really sensitive to strong mint flavors. They burn my lips. This is SO not a big deal. But, after years of trial and error I finally discovered that Crest ProHealth Advantage in Smooth Mint is the one for me. Yes! This is life-changing, folks. So of course I ran out. I’ve been using the nasty Scope-flavored stuff until I get more. Tonight I went to Target, the supplier of the 17 wonderful things not better found on Amazon, and ventured forth into the toothpaste aisle. After 5 minutes I accepted the dreadful fact: despite having a wall of about 20 different varieties of Crest toothpaste in every variety of descriptive mint flavors you can buy (including a flavor simply called “Extra Whitening Power” that would no doubt burn my mouth faster than dry ice), none of these were smooth. It was really annoying!

“WHAT is the problem with this week, God?”

“This is a first-world problem.”

I thought backward a few hours. Just after eating the lunch I’d forgotten I had, I met a man 2 years younger than me who has a Ph.D. He refused to return home to Syria from the country where he studied because he refuses to participate in mandatory military service that could potentially land him in the ISIS army if his region is taken over. His family lives in a city that is constantly under attack.

A little later in the afternoon I met an Iraqi woman 5 years younger than me. Her sister worked for the US Army in the 2000s, so the family has been targeted by terrorist groups for over 10 years. She was injured in a bombing. Fortunately, her family was not at the mall last week.

These two people are amazing, resilient, we laughed together, it was an enjoyable afternoon. These are actually very typical stories, and I hear different versions of these several times in most weeks. For me, this is just a Friday.

There I was annoyed in the toothpaste aisle, remembering. Now I was more annoyed with myself than with Target.

“This is so stupid!”

“What is?”

“Well, you’re right. This is such a little first-world problem. Why do all these annoying stupid little problems happen to me all the time?”

“Because I let them.”

“Well then what’s YOUR problem?”

“I give you the little problems so that you can bear the big ones.”

That took me a minute. Then it clicked. God DISTRACTS me. With stupid stuff. On purpose.

He’s right, He always is. I am called to absorb the stories and pain of others. Those stories and that pain are not mine, but easily can become mine if I don’t release them. If you know me, you know that I don’t like to let go. So God made my brain distractible. When we’re weighted down with stuff – our own or someone else’s – it’s really hard to get distracted by flowers and sunshine. So God takes away my toothpaste and gives me deadlines sends me way too many emails of random stupid stuff, then he cancels the Monday morning training so I have time to get it all done.

God distracts me.

And now I’m sitting on my couch crying because when I go through really rough weeks it can get really hard to remember that I’m not broken when I’m stressed and forgetful and taking forever to get things done and having to make jokes to my coworkers about having forgotten my meds to help them understand why I’m talking so much or failing to filter properly or hear everything they say or having such a hard time getting the sentences in my head to turn into words. But I’m not broken.  

I am made on purpose.

My brain was perfectly designed to do what it’s supposed to do.

God made me distractible so he can throw my attention and memory around as if He’s threshing wheat, tossing away what is useless or destructive and leaving behind only what HE sees and remembers. He helps my own emotions about something blow away so I can see more clearly. He refines my memories of what I have heard and seen until it is as close as possible to what He sees and hears. THAT is really cool.

God made me distractible to protect me, to empower me, to keep me tender and strong, to help me forgive courageously and love without prejudice.

“Wow. You really knew what you were doing.”

“I ain’t no fool.” 

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Sallie’s Miracle Car

I wrote this blog for my official Go Fund Me Campaign page.

Lety’s Story

When I moved to California in 2002 for my first post-college REAL job, I excitedly bought a brand new Dodge Neon.  It was a fabulous car, and I named her Michelle after my new best friend.  And it did an amazing job of protecting me about 2 years later when a woman cut me off on a country road, I slammed on my brakes, and proceeded to flip end over end and land in a ditch.  RIP Michelle the Car.

I got lucky when I went to the Honda dealership because I was assisted by a new sales guy who didn’t think to actually check my credit before selling me a new Civic.  This was also a great car.  Even though my credit was lousy, I could afford it.  Unfortunately, I was in the midst of a very serious bout of very poorly treated depression… a time during which even simple tasks like setting up an automatic payment or opening the envelopes containing letters threatening to repossess my car were more than I could handle.  One morning in January 2006 I woke up and she was just gone.

Embarrassed and humbled, I was taken by a friend to a used car dealership where I bought my dark green 1995 Toyota Camry.  She was definitely a step down, but I made my payments faithfully and she became mine on August 8, 2007.

The Camry received no name… in some ways she has always been a reminder of my weakness, my utter failure, the lowest point of my depression, my shameful lesson in fiscal responsibility.  Despite this purpose and her namelessness, Camry has prevailed.  Despite all odds, this Gift of Redemption has persevered.  Despite all the many things I couldn’t afford to fix, she has kept me safe and her wheels keep rolling for 9½ years .  Let me tell you about her life with me:

1. A few weeks after we were brought together, we were traveling at about 5mph through a parking lot.  A massive truck was parked in a compact parking spot, blocking the view between myself and a car on the other side of it.  We couldn’t see each other so the other driver backed into me, crushing the corner of the car.

Side note: there is a reason parking spots are marked “compact!!!”  Big vehicles come with big responsibility!

2. A couple of years after I got her, Camry developed a slow power steering fluid leak.  I have attempted to have it fixed a couple of times, but it always comes back.  No big deal, but I’ve probably spent a few hundred dollars on ATF over the years.

3. There was about 2 years when the driver’s side window motor was broken… I held it up with Monster Tape until it was finally fixed.

4. The driver’s side lock does not work, so it can only be unlocked from the passenger’s side.  It was fixed for awhile, but then it quit again.

When I moved to San Jose in 2012, the plan was to replace her within 6 months.  But it turned out that my increased salary wasn’t worth nearly as much in the city as I thought it would be, so we continue to forge ahead through many small trials…

5.  Both front door handles broke off, so you have to dig your fingers under the levers to open the doors.
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6. The antenna broke, so now we only get one radio station.  Thank God for those cassette tape adaptor things you can use to run sound from other devices through car speakers!

7.  The middle light in the dashboard is out, so I’m never quite sure how fast I’m going at night.

8.  Sometimes the lights on the gear shift work, sometimes they don’t.  If she doesn’t move, she’s in neutral.

9.  One of the backseat seat belts is stuck.

10.  The side mirror was knocked off by the post in my carport (another shout out to Monster Tape!).  This means that she can’t be washed in a car wash, and since I live in an apartment building with no access to outside water which doesn’t matter since CA is in a drought and washing your car in a driveway is illegal right now anyway… we pray for rain.

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11.  The door over the gas tank got ripped off.
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12.  The trunk leaks when we get that rain we pray for.
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13.  The windshield washer fluid reservoir has a giant hole, so while the wipers work… we pray for rain some more.

14.  Not to mention the classic 1990’s Camry paint job that looks like a peeling sunburn!

15.  My left high beam doesn’t work, and no matter how much I twist the little knob the headlights refuse to raise.  I get about 20 feet of visibility on a dark night.

But despite all of these little things, this car just keeps going and going and going.  She commutes 66 miles a day with me at California freeway speeds with no trouble.  Nothing major has ever broken down.  She lives life to the fullest.  And she was finally named Lety:
Little
Engine
That
YOLO’d (In case you don’t know what YOLO means, Wikipedia does here.)

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Lety is my reminder that what God gives might not be what I want, but it is always enough.  And God’s gifts are lasting.  Like manna to the Israelites I might be bored of her, she might humble me and remind me of what I lack, but she is also constant daily proof that God is my provider.  He gives good gifts to His children, gifts that are good quality and meet the need and do not bring hardship or pain or stress.  I am so proud of this little car!!

In November I discovered that Lety had an oil leak.  When I asked the guy at Speedy Lube where the leak was, he opened the hood and waved his arms over the whole engine.  “Here,” he said.  The sealant inside the engine is breaking down, causing oil to leak through all the joints and seams in the metal.  He told me not to put any more money than absolutely necessary into this car, and to start saving for a new one.  Turns out Speedy Lube offers free top-offs between oil changes, so I am a frequent customer every week or two.  The guys there are awesome!

Believing for a Miracle Car
Lety and I entered 2015 knowing that it would be our last year together.  And I firmly believed in my heart that God would give me a car.  Yet, we are almost 6 months in, and there is no car.   She’s not getting any younger, and my faith is wavering… enough that I’m ready to pull an Abraham and fix this situation on my own.

I estimate that next Monday (maybe Tuesday) we will hit the 300,000 mile mark.  Really, this was my stubborn goal.  When we reach this, I will be ready to let her go.

In a few weeks I’ll be starting a new job that will require a lot of driving and probably transporting clients in my car.  Lety is no longer a safe or professionally presentable vessel for this task.

In the last week I realized that in mid-June I’ll be blessed with a little extra money.  Between that and the $1000 that California will give me to junk Lety, I should have about $5000.  This is a very good start, about half of what I plan to spend on a new used car.  I was going to be satisfied with that, knowing that upcoming changes in my income will cover a car payment.

My wish is for a car like this 2010 Honda Civic  that costs about $10,500.

My greater desire is to pay cash for a car, and use the new income to finally start paying off student loans.

This morning I woke up with a thought in my mind.  I don’t wake up like this very often, but when I do I know it’s God.  Usually these thoughts are for other people, but today it was for me: “Why do you keep settling?  I promised you a car.  Ask, and you shall receive.  GoFundMe.” (Literally, He said GoFundMe!)

I have a personal philosophy that if someone says “no” then I’m no worse off than I started, but I will never hear “yes” if I don’t ask.  So I always ask.  This tends to be a bit annoying to my supervisors, but eventually they realize I don’t necessarily expect to get what I want and stop cringing whenever they see me.  But somehow… Why is it so hard to ask God???  Along the same lines… Why is it so easy to ask God, then sit back, do nothing, and take no responsibility when nothing happens?

Then I went to church and heard a sermon about believing for miracles.  Again I heard, “Ask.”  In Mark 2, Jesus did the forgiving and the healing, but the dudes who wanted it did the heavy lifting and the carrying and the tearing up of the roof…

So here is me, asking.  Stepping out.  Believing that God’s word is true, that He will keep His promises of blessing.  That I will receive a Miracle Car.

I ask you to believe with me.  Donate, share… most of all, pray.  The beautiful thing about blessings is that they are boomerangs… they never return empty-handed.

The GoFundMe Campaign site is here: http://www.gofundme.com/salliesmiraclecar

NOTE: While GoFundMe was the best fundraising site that my research uncovered for this type of purpose, there are two disadvantages: 1) Donors are not charged any fees, but there is a small processing deduction for all donations, and 2) Paypal is not an option.  If you would prefer to contribute through PayPal, there is no fee for either of us if you select “Send Money to FRIENDS OR FAMILY” and deduct money through your checking account.  (There is a small fee if you use a debit or credit card and/or select “Pay for Goods or Services.”)  Paypal donations can be sent to sallie.rupe@gmail.com 

The Testimony of Antonina L. Griffin

I actually have no words to add to this… except that this is why we are called not to judge, but to love…

SCAR Foundation: http://scarprogram.wix.com/scar

Thirty-Five Things it’s Taken Me Thirty-Five Years to Learn

IMG_1062Today’s my 35th birthday.  I think it’s supposed to be some kind of a milestone.  It’s quite annoying to look for an image for this blog and find the internet full of things like “Trying to keep calm – I’m 35” or “I’m too sexy to be 35.”  But I’m happy.  I think there can now be no more doubt that I am actually an adult and that surviving this long is quite an accomplishment.  Although it’s an odd day.  I’m sitting on the couch in my pj’s at 4pm, my leg still a bit jacked up, thinking about how birthdays are less and less of a deal every year.   Maybe this is why people have kids… so that days like this will be more exciting.  Regardless, I have thoughts.  I thought it would be hard to come up with this many, but hey… have I met myself?  Here are 35 lessons I have learned, epiphanies I’ve had, or life philosophies I have come to embrace in the last three and a half decades…  There are so many I left off… I’ll save them for my 40th birthday… when I will probably give you 80…

  1. Embrace your weirdness.
  2. Don’t apologize for enjoying food.  If you don’t want it, just don’t eat it.  Don’t try to make me feel guilty about enjoying mine.  Gosh, that’s annoying!
  3. My story is different than your story.  That doesn’t make it easier or harder or better or worse.  It just makes me different from you.  But we’ve all felt the same feelings.
  4. I know of nothing more powerful than a good hug.
  5. Feelings come and feelings go, and they never ask permission.  This applies to the good and the bad.
  6. There are relatives and there is family.  Hopefully the former is embraced in the latter, but the two are not interchangeable.
  7. The older you get, the younger you realize you actually are.
  8. The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.
  9. Don’t be afraid of time.
  10. Work with your flaws.  Use them to find creative solutions.  I can’t tell you how many compliments I’ve gotten on my bathroom shelves that are intentionally designed so that “put away” means “leave out.”
  11. Define success in terms of people.  The happiest people I’ve ever met all have one thing in common: they all live their lives to invest in others.  Most of them are dirt-poor, but somehow that doesn’t matter.
  12. Parents don’t know everything, but they sure do know a lot.
  13. Legacy is a ripple-effect, and you might never know what yours is.  Don’t worry about it – just live how you want to be remembered.
  14. Teenagers are very often difficult grumpy mouthy know-it-all little humans who want to grow up.  Parents of teenagers are very often difficult over-reacting lecturing NO-it-all big humans who (75% of the time) worry too much.  It’s okay.  Everyone’s doing their job.  (And there’s always that 25% outside chance your difficult grumpy mouthy know-it-all little human is actually quite stupid.)
  15. God has better ideas than you.  If your life is turning out like you expected, then you need to figure out what the heck went wrong.
  16. Keep nursery rhymes alive.  Do you know about the man on his way to St. Ives?  Can you sing all the words to “London Bridge is Falling Down?” Does your kid know anything about Little Miss Muffet?  I rest my case.
  17. If you want to be an explorer, stay off the sidewalk.
  18. Learn about love languages, and learn to speak them all.  Fluently.  Love others with wild abandon.  The way Jesus did.  Just remember that true sacrificial love always hurts in the end… that’s why it’s called a sacrifice.  But yours will never hurt as much as Jesus’ did.
  19. British English is bloody brilliant.  Especially in Harry Potter and Doctor Who.
  20. There are times in your life when you just have to say, “I’m always alright.”
  21. Exercise, eat healthy, sleep well, keep your house clean, obey your budget, and don’t work too much.  And if you can figure out how to pull off more than 2 of these things simultaneously for more than a week you are a hero.
  22. Keep an eye on the people nobody notices, the ones who keep their head down and just do their thing.  These are the people who change the world.
  23. Seriously, girls, date the nerds.
  24. Don’t expect people to be as honest as you are unless you want to get burnt to a crisp, and forgive them ahead of time.  Unless you are not honest; then expect most people to be just like you.
  25. Life really does get better after 30.  So much better.
  26. Don’t spend your life waiting for “that thing” to happen.  If it does, great.  If it doesn’t, you just wasted your whole life waiting.  Go kill that bug yourself.
  27. Let your yes be yes and your no be no.  Be that person who is shockingly transparent and honest.  Be that person others can count on to actually keep their promises and not pass the buck and do what they say they will do.  Be that person that makes everyone mad when you actually do what you said you were going to do because they ignored you because they didn’t think you would and then they weren’t ready.  But if you’re going to live with this kind of integrity, stay out of any work environment where there are more than 3 supervisors above you… unless the guy on top takes the time to know and respect you as an actual person with feelings and ideas and stuff.
  28. Resting your mind is not the same as resting your body.
  29. Don’t confuse honesty or integrity for good intentions, professional conduct, or a smile.
  30. Mistakes are only failures if you don’t get back up and keep going.
  31. The only thing in all of His perfect creation that God said was not good was that Adam was alone.  So God made Eve so more humans could be made.  Because God made us with a need that He could not fulfill Himself.  Love people – you need them.
  32. Everybody matters, but everyone seems to think that rule applies to everyone except themselves. Or that it ONLY applies to themselves.
  33. Life is tough.  So what?  Embrace it.  Cry and feel sorry for yourself sometimes.  Ask for help if you need it.  If you give yourself permission to simply be, being will have a lot less control over you.  And it’s okay.  Feelings really do come and go, and they mean you are a living beautiful textured vibrant multi-chromatic feature of humanity.
  34. If you are the kind of person that has to obsess about things, embrace it and allow yourself to choose your obsession.  Pick something silly and unnecessary that makes you smile.  It’s much better than worrying about everything all the time.
  35. God is.  This encompasses all.  My favorite stanza of my favorite hymn, written by a madman:  Could we with ink the ocean fill and were the skies of parchment made, were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade… to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry, nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.  Amen.

 

Plus 4 screws and 2 pins...

Plus 4 screws and 2 pins…

The Likable Self(ie)

For it’s tenth anniversary, Facebook made these awesome videos for everybody:

I have been a Facebook user since March 5, 2008 (as the above short video has informed you).  My Friends List is a moderate 505… more than my mother, but a lot less than the maximum 5000.  I’m guessing this is because I have actually MET 99% of the people on that list (a few are affiliated with organizations that interest me, and 1 or 2 I added in a desperate attempt to have more help during a specific game addiction phase). I acknowledge that despite being voted “most likely to sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl,” I have never been popular in this country.  Never.  I’ve never been competitive and my self-esteem has never really hinged on whether or not people like me, so it’s all good.  I post and share all kinds of stuff, and don’t usually get that much attention.  Sometimes I’m disappointed when a picture I’m really proud of or an issue I really care about doesn’t get liked, but whatevs.

As you saw in the video, my most popular posts don’t usually even have anything to do with me.  I went through every single one of my posted pictures today.  At the time the video was compiled in February, my most popular pictures were my parents at Barnaby’s and a re-posted internet picture of magnified sand (28 likes each).   There was one picture of me with 3 other people that got 30 likes, but 12 of them were from people I’d never met so I’m not counting that one.  That record was broken on Mother’s Day, when I posted a picture of my great-grandmother’s diamond ring: 30 likes, probably because of the eloquent caption about being the 4th generation of strong women… plus, it’s diamonds (I’m just sayin’).

I think my status updates about earning my Master’s Degrees and my job change to Catholic Charities got quite a few responses – FB doesn’t make it easy to sift through status updates.   But I am actually very happy to say that my Mother’s Day status update blasted the record with 42 likes and 13 shares.  This is because I tagged 17 women (23 of whom I did not know); I was thrilled because the whole point was to honor a specific type of woman who never gets any credit.

So because I’m not really that Facebook popular, and because my most-liked posts generally have little to nothing to do with me, something happened yesterday that floored me.

First, let’s talk about the selfie.  It’s a thing now.  It has a Wikipedia page, a definition in Urban Dictionary, a definition in the Oxford Dictionary,  a TV show, and a song.  I find no admirable reason to take a picture of your forcibly curved slightly (or mostly) naked body in the bathroom mirror, nor am I impressed when someone is slapping these all over their profiles.  I really hope we’ve all seen the light about the Duck Face…  People also don’t pay nearly enough attention to what is behind them when they take selfies.  Really, the subject of the pictures can get real old real fast, but I find great enjoyment in figuring out what garment of clothing is wadded up on the floor or how someone decorated their bathroom.  That said… someone, at some point, figured out that taking a picture of yourself at a 45 degree angle with a suspended camera (that is NOT visible in the picture) is by FAR the most flattering way to record your image.  Seriously.  God bless that person.  May he or she have extra rooms in Heaven.  Not kidding.  There is no better way to make your face look way thinner and highlight all the right things than to look up at the camera.  And, if done properly, no one can even tell that your phone is an arm’s length over your head.

Now, yesterday morning.  I’m gonna be real here so you get my point.  I woke up late.  I was much more groggy than usual.  I dragged myself to the bathroom in my oversized blue t-shirt, brushed my teeth, dunked my hair, and turned on my Kindle to listen to my daily Bible dose on YouVersion (Isaiah 53-55, Mark 13) as I proceeded to “do” my hair and makeup while fighting to keep my eyes open.  Despite my usually very successful nighttime coconut oil regiment, the weather has not been agreeing with my skin.  My skin is also tanning a bit, so my makeup is a little pale.   I wasn’t thrilled with the result of my efforts.  About to go get dressed, I was struck with a sudden desire to “use it” (as a kid I had many years ago used to say).

Although running late, I was so groggy and still half-asleep.  I realized I hadn’t checked the Amazon Free App of the Day yet, so I reached for my Kindle and started perusing the app store.  I happened upon a photo ap called Rhonna Designs that looked pretty interesting, so I downloaded that.  At this point I realized that I still hadn’t really tried out the camera on my Kindle.  I switched it on and opted to use the Perfectly Clear Intelligent Image Correction camera app that I downloaded when it was the free app a few weeks ago and also hadn’t tried yet.  So I take a few pictures.  The app didn’t save the original shot of the one I chose to use, but here is another one of the photo shoot (keeping in mind I’m still relaxing in the bathroom):

Truth

Please notice the following:

  1. My skin looks pale and kinda gray.
  2. My décolletage (because that’s such a fancy word even though it is not usually used in the context of pajamas) is covered in freckles and – dare I say it – age spots (which I only imagine they are because that big one on the left sure didn’t used to be there).
  3. If you zoom in you will see my textured skin, large pores, puffy un-awake eyes, quasi-hidden pimples, and all the lines that are getting deeper despite all my efforts to keep plumping up my cheeks (sure… that’s why).
  4. My hair is awfully dull without highlights.  And all those highlight-y streaks?  Gray.  So much gray.
  5. My eyebrows are (as usual) out of control.
  6. I do have great teeth.  And eyes, but they aren’t really feeling it today.

I chose to take another one because this one (obviously) is too straight-on, and a little close.  I’m also not looking into the camera (another common mistake often evident in selfies is looking at the screen instead of the camera, which are not lined up).  I really had no intention of doing anything with these pictures, I was just testing out the camera and apps.

So I took a picture I was happy with, using the Perfectly Clear app.  Once I had the picture I first did a general autofix, then I clicked on the “beautify” feature.  Because who doesn’t want to be more beautiful?

Beautified

Beautified

Here is what happened, INSTANTLY:

  1. The lighting in my bathroom became professional.  You can almost see the little white umbrella in the corner.
  2. My skin is bright and monochromatic.  It somehow has a glow.  My makeup is perfect.  So natural you can’t even tell it’s there.
  3. All freckles and age spots are completely erased.  Completely gone.  Every. Single. One.
  4. The sleepy bags under my eyes?  Also gone.
  5. Fine lines? Ironed away.
  6. Large pores? What pores?
  7. My hair is suddenly dark again.  My hair reflects bright sunlight instead of being filled with gray streaks.
  8. All those stray eyebrow hairs?  Poof!
  9. And I still have great teeth and eyes.
  10. But it couldn’t erase the necklaces on the wall or my shower tiles.

So on to the next app.  Rhonna Designs.  I like this one because of the cool quotes and designs you can add.  I wasn’t quite sure where I was going to fit those into this picture, but I was just playing anyway.  The app has several filters.  I choose “Desaturated,” which tones everything down a bit more.  Not black and white, not sepia, but on the edge of both.  Subtle.  Sort of a 20s look, like those Kim Anderson photos that used to be so popular.  And result of that single change was so nice that I thought, “What the heck?” And I felt a slight twinge of guilt as (from the lounge in my bathroom) I replaced the fun profile pic I took with my BFFF Michelle at Petraglyph with this masterpiece:

My record for a profile pic is 19 likes for a picture of me and my mom when I was TWO.  The next (at 18 likes) is a great picture from last November that I framed to cut off half of my face (another great trick for slimming down – do it literally).  The profile picture that was the “big reveal” that I had lost about 60 pounds only got a whopping 2 likes.  Keep in mind that these totals are after years of being posted.

But this picture… THIS digital deception taken in my pajamas when I was exhausted and sitting in my bathroom… got 8 compliments and 48 likes in under 24 hours.  Forty. Eight.  That’s a lot.  I got likes from people who rarely – if ever – acknowledge my posts.  People with whom I share that complicated never-acknowledged-but-socially-essential “You’re on my friends list because I’m vaguely interested in your life even though I haven’t seen you in 20 years and we weren’t really even friends in the flesh but you don’t insult me so if FB chooses to pop you into my news feed I’ll read what you posted but probably not give any response” relationship.  BOYS liked it (Sorry, pal, you’re either too young, too old, or married now).

So what do I think of this?  I’m not insulted at all.  I love it.  Heck, that’s the whole point.  Who doesn’t like compliments?  When I walk away from the mirror this is how I imagine myself, so I’m glad you see it, too.

I won’t be changing my profile picture for awhile.

But it does say something about us as humans, doesn’t it?

(Here’s a version with the lyrics)

Daring to Dream

Dreaming

When I think of this word I think of imagination and fantasy.  I think of lofty and most likely unrealistic goals.  I think of red Nyquill-induced sleep punctuated by psychedelic animations; or better yet, those dreams that leave behind a sense of a pending something… that feeling that you have just been privy to some great knowledge but you’re not quite sure what.   But in most cases, when we think of “dreaming” I think most of us immediately think about the things we always wanted to do and are sure we never will.  We think of John Lennon’s “Imagine,” detailing the ideal world of peace and love that we all know simply can’t be.  Those of us who are older gaze compassionately at idealistic college students, shake our heads wistfully, and think about how much we could have accomplished if real life had never happened.  We call someone a Dreamer while simultaneously feeling pity and jealousy.  Maybe annoyance. But I think we’re wrong.

Last year I met someone who is the dreaming trifecta.  He is the triple-threat that all Dreamers aspire to be.  Have you ever seen “The Magic School Bus?”  That cartoon where a class of kids gets into a yellow school bus which is imaginatively transformed into whatever type of transport is necessary to vividly exploreVehicle of Imagination whatever their minds think up?  Everything from purple aliens on a warm planet to Mayas in the Yucatan jungles?  This guy can do that; he can keep you entertained for hours with vivid descriptions of whatever world he dreams up.  But because of this unbelievably advanced imagination he sees the world differently.  Things as ordinary as a piece of furniture become vibrating molecules and electrical charges.  And because he sees the world as this thriving habitat of law and electricity and music… he can imagine what these building blocks might become… and what he might be able to do with them.  He has big dreams.  On top of that, he dreams dreams.  I believe in prophetic dreams – I have them.  But what he dreamed about me was so random until it happened, and that’s pretty crazy.  I know the Super Dreamer.  And in getting to know him I learned that the power behind his dreams is his imagination, that thing in the back of our head that defies all reason, that voice that is shushed by logic and learning and common sense, the best friend that most of us leave behind when we grow up.  Somehow, he kept it close.  And because he kept his imagination alive he can resist all the people who try to turn his dreaming into a joke… because he can imagine the day when his dreams will be reality and what all their faces will look like when that happens.  I am beyond inspired by his imagination, and would do almost anything to have such a protector of my dreams.

God's plan is way more exciting than mine!I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams lately.  About how my own dreams are like a roller coaster.  They come and go and change and twist and shift.  They excite and disappoint, they fly and crash.  Exactly one year ago today I was in Oakland learning how to help severe trauma victims who cope through dissociation, a retreat into imagination to protect the mind from traumatic memories (loosely speaking).  That evening I had a session with one of my favorite clients of all time.  I really thought I finally found my spot.  The dream job I never knew I dreamed of.  Yeah, that didn’t pan out, either.  But now another dream is slowly forming.  It’s confusing, this whole evolving process of dreaming.  You think you’re aiming for one thing, and you end up in the one place you never wanted to be… and realize you’re exactly where you need to be.  God is weird like that.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I think about Joseph.  The iconic Dreamer of the Bible.    Joseph, the 11th of 12 sons of Jacob.  While he was Jacob’s favorite, he was still a baby brother with pretty much no power except to annoy.  You can find the story in Genesis 37-50.  I shall share with you my interpretation, in five acts.

ACT I:  Joseph is working for his half-brothers, shepherding out in the field.  (This, by the way, makes me think that he had a great imagination and faith.  Think of King David – the quiet great outdoors is the very best place to develop an imagination and an awareness of a Great Creator.)  Then this 17-year-old daddy’s boy tattles on his big brothers.  There is only one sentence about that, that sticks out like a sore thumb.  No real point of that sentence except to call him out as a narcking suck-up brown-noser.  To top it off, Dad gives Joseph a super-special, VERY expensive, fancy coat of many colors.  He has 10 older brothers, and it’s no surprise they hate him.  Maybe Joseph is a brat, maybe he isn’t.  We don’t know.  What we do know is that his brothers “couldn’t say a kind word to him.”

You’d think that the hated baby brother would at least learn to keep his mouth shut.  Not Joe.  He has a Joseph's Dream dream and has to tell everyone about it: We were all tying up bundles of grain and all your bundles bowed down to mine!  Now I’m a big sister, and I know that if my obnoxious little brother came up to me and told me something like that all I would hear (regardless of what he said) is “Nanner nanner, I’m better than you-oo!”  No surprise, Joseph’s brothers hate him even more.  But does he learn his lesson?  Nope.  He has Joseph's Dream 2another dream and runs right over to tell his brothers again: The sun, moon, and eleven stars bowed down to me!  Good lord.  Saying that to 10 angry big brothers is practically suicide.  This time Joe tells his dad, too.  Something about how he was telling the story got him in trouble.  “What kind of a dream is that?  Do you think we’re actually going to bow down before you?” If I was his therapist, I would have thought that Joseph spent a little too much time outside feeling inferior to his brothers.

I wonder about Joseph.  I have to assume that he must have been a bit cocky.  He was 17, the favorite, and had the cool clothes.  It’s very possible that he had recently lost his mother, who died in childbirth to the youngest brother.  As a therapist, I can imagine how confused and angry he must have been.  How lonely he must have felt.  Big brothers are supposed to protect you, not hate you – even if you are annoying and cocky.  I imagine that he was clinging to something that would make him special besides just being a daddy’s boy.  How could he compete with so many big strong brothers?  These dreams were all he had.  They were cartoons, really – grain and celestial bodies don’t bow down to each other.  I think he knew they meant something but the only feedback he got was ridicule.  He was rejected and hated because he had dared to hope there might be some truth in these silly ideas that could never be.

Then the world comes crashing down around him.  Joe’s brothers decide to knock him off.  “Here comes the Dreamer… let’s kill him… Then we’ll see what becomes of his dreams!”  In the end they decide to sell him to a caravan of traders on their way to Egypt – after stripping him of his trophy coat, which they drench in blood to convince their dad he was killed by an animal.  So Joseph walks across a desert and gets sold as a slave in Egypt to Potiphar, captain of the palace guard.

ACT II: So our Dreamer Joe is a slave in a house he’ll never be able to escape from in a foreign country where he’s all alone, can’t speak the language, and probably doesn’t like the food.  He’s not 20 yet (probably).  Dreams crushed, heart broken, all alone, just a kid.  With no special coat.  Stripped of everything that matters or makes him remotely significant.  Not his best day.

So much for the “My grain is better than your grain” dream.

But somehow, he pulls it off.  Things go really well.  Joe gets noticed, not because of his coat or his dreams, but because he’s really good at his job.  His boss likes him and makes him a personal assistant.  He’s a good guy, smart, responsible, well-liked.  I bet that when he goes to bed at night and remembers his brothers there is definitely a part of him that sticks his out tongue and sings, “Nanner Nanner!”  (Except now he can do it in another language!)  And a part that wishes his dad could see him now.  He’s still a kid, very early 20s.  Of course he’s tempted to be cocky.  Regardless, he is blessed and because of him Potiphar is blessed.  Joseph is given more and more responsibility until he’s in charge of administering the entire household.  Things couldn’t be better!  The dream is coming true!

unfairOh yeah, he’s also good looking.  And the boss’ wife is a cougar.  She goes after him every day but he has integrity and says no; he will not betray his master’s trust.  But one day she actually grabs him.  He wriggles out of his cloak and races out of there… only to have her say that he tried to rape her but got scared when she screamed, so he ran away and left his clothes behind.  Good grief.  Joseph – responsible, appreciated, trusted, respected, handsome – defeated because someone was selfish and dishonest and took no consideration of the fact that he was a person, too.  But wait.  He wasn’t. He was just a slave.  Disposable Hebrew trash.

And because he was just a slave, and because of another dumb coat used as proof of a lie, Joseph was thrown in prison and forgotten.  So much for the good food and the nice bed… traded for bread, water, and a blanket on the floor.  So much for that stupid dream.  Not his best day.

ACT III: If I was Joseph, at this point I’d be curled up in the corner of my cell and ready to give up on the world.  All I would be asking is WHY.  Other than bragging about his dreams (that seem so silly now), he hadn’t done anything wrong.  What is this great price he must pay?  He’s bright, responsible, a fast learner, everything he does turns out great.  For crying out loud, two days ago he was in charge of EVERYTHING in the house of the captain of the Egyptian palace guard!  If he had just given in and slept with the woman he’d be in his nice bed in the nice house with his nice job and nice reputation.  But he had to have integrity and now he’s in prison, hatefully rejected by the very important man who had trusted him completely.

And maybe Joseph did get depressed for a bit.  But it didn’t last.  I’d like to think that his imagination saved him from the darkness.  That the days he spent in the fields, studying flowers and watching ants be magnificent, came back to him in that dark place and gave him strength.  Maybe Joseph was catching on to reality: it bites.  Maybe he was giving up on his dream.  But he didn’t cower.  He knew that a fall is only failure if you don’t get back up.

Next thing you know, Joseph is Head Prisoner, in charge of all the prisoners!  The warden kicks back and relaxes, because he knows that Joe’s got this.  And he does well, and finds success in everything he does.  Think about it: that means he has the respect of all the prisoners and guards.  The guys down there are real criminals, but they trust him.  Prisoners can be troublemakers, but Joseph kept it all under control.  (On a side note, there’s mention in Genesis 40:3 that Joseph is in Potiphar’s prison.  The authority he was given implies to me that he never lost the respect of his old boss, and makes me wonder if Potiphar always knew he was innocent but had to keep him in jail to make it look right.)

So then there are these two important guys, direct servants to Pharaoh, in prison under Joseph.  They both have weird dreams.  They tell Joseph, who interprets them.  Correctly.  The one guy dies, and the other gets his job back.  The lucky one promises to tell Pharaoh about Joseph and hopefully get him out of jail.  Hope, again!  The whole “bow down to me” thing probably seems pretty distant and silly by now.  At this point, I’m guessing Joe’s dreams have shifted to simply living in daylight, feeling full, and sleeping in a decent bed.  It’s amazing how our dreams can change.

But the dude forgets all about it in the blink of an eye and never tells Pharaoh.  Sorry, Joe.  Not your day.  I don’t think there would have been any way for Joseph to really know what happened.  So he waits.  And waits.  And waits.  A full two years go by.  And he’s down there in the prison, doing his thing (and doing it well), with that WHY???little voice of doubt in his head wondering if he has been forgotten or rejected or if simply nothing he can accomplish will make him more than a slave.  He is owned, and it sucks.  But again, he’s no coward.  He keeps going, and I must imagine that his imagination is still his salvation.  Does he remember his childhood, running around the fields with the animals, picking fruit from the trees, playing with his brothers (before they hated him)?  Is he angry?  Has he forgiven?  Do their names make his skin crawl?  We can’t know.  But my guess is a little bit of everything.

ACT IV: Finally, two years after the guy gets his job back, Pharaoh himself has a couple of dreams.  Disturbing dreams.  Not exactly nightmares, but so real and vivid; the kind you wake up from KNOWING that they mean something important.  But none of the smartest and wisest and most magical advisers have a clue what they mean.  Suddenly things click into place for the ex-con.  Ummm… whoops.  There was that one guy… he got my dream right.

Boom!  Joe gets a shower, shave, clean clothes, and an audience with the most powerful man in the world.   Can you imagine what’s going through his mind?   THIS was his day.  I can hear his thoughts… Seriously?  Pharaoh?  Don’t get your hopes up.  I’ve been burned – no, fried – before.  Not worth it.  Maybe someone lied about me again and they’ve called me to kill me.  But maybe not… there was that dream.  Stop it, don’t be silly.  Just breathe.  Egypt doesn’t like me no matter what I do.  The fields of his homeland flood his senses, and his imagination brings holy peace.  The air and warm breezes, the smell of the fields and the sheep, the voice of his father and grandfather… honor God.  Your great-grandpa left everything to honor God.  This is your purpose.  Cool beans.

So Joe makes it clear that only God interprets dreams, Pharaoh tells them, and God answers.  The dreams are not happy dreams.  Egypt will have 7 years of great prosperity, but then there will be 7 years of great famine.  Famine that will devastate Egypt and all the surrounding lands.  But Joseph doesn’t stop at the interpretation.  This bold young man tells the greatest king in the world what to do about it.  He needs to find someone to collect all the food for the next 7 years so there is enough to eat during the famine.  Pharaoh talks to everyone important, and they all agree that Joseph is the only one intelligent and wise enough to do the job.  So he puts Joe in charge of his court and makes him second in command.  The only person in the entire country who doesn’t have to obey Joseph is Pharaoh himself.  Pharaoh takes his signet ring (essentially his personal signature that makes any order official), puts it on Joseph’s finger, and lets him know that he’s in charge of Egypt (no biggie).  Again, a fancy new robe.  Oh, and a wife.  Joe gets a wife.

For those of us Sunday School graduates who have this story memorized and animated in our minds, let’s pause.  Think about it.  Joseph is 30 in a world where people live to be over 100.  He’s a baby.  He’s not Egyptian.  He’s not even free.  He’s a slave with a criminal record of attempted rape of the wife of the captain of the guard.  He has been betrayed by his brothers, horribly accused by the man who most trusted him, forgotten by the one so grateful to have his dream interpreted.  He’s been in prison for more than 2 years because of a lie.  And in one day he went from prisoner to ruler of the whole land of Egypt, because Pharaoh thought he was good enough.  The realistic grown-up part of me wants to scream at Joseph not to do it because it’s political and they probably just want a good fall guy.  The therapist in me says “See, good things can happen if you hang in there and make good choices” (ugh, could I be more sycophantic?).  But the dreamer of faith buried deep within me just says, “Duh.”

ACT V: So Joseph keeps on keepin’ on.  He does his thing and he does it well.  He stored up so much grain he can’t measure it all.  Which tells us that even though this convict from another land suddenly got an awful lot of power… people respected him and followed the rules.  That’s sayin’ somethin.’  Seven years later the famine hits, but things are okay because there’s a plan and everything is right on track.  Then the famine spreads to the land of Joseph’s dad.  This is where things get interesting.  All of Joe’s big brothers get hungry.

So they travel to Egypt, and bow before the tall man in charge of distributing the food.  They have no idea it’s the baby brother they think is dead, the victim of their jealousy and bitterness.  I can imagine this… Joseph is standing there in his fancy robe and suddenly those dreams of 20 years ago zoom back into his head as if he just woke up from them.  Those pesky little dreams.  Suddenly, in one moment, looking at 10 brothers on the ground before him, it all makes sense.  The dreams and the adventures and the purpose all clunk into place to answer why. It all makes sense!!! Can you imagine what’s going on in his head???  The fury, the joy, the relief, the wonder, the shock.  The triumph of faith within him.  The little brother who wants to shout “BUUUURN!”  The abandoned, sold, betrayed slave who seeks revenge.  The love at seeing family for the first time in over 20 years.  What a boiling mix that must have been.

Joe, your day has come.

Like every good little brother should do when given such a golden opportunity, Joe messes with them.  Badly.  They don’t have a clue, and he milks it for all it’s worth.  He accuses them of being spies.  He threatens them.  He uses an interpreter so they don’t know he can understand them.  He puts them in jail for a few days.  Then he lets them take food home (they are family, after all), but hides their money back in their bags so that they’re scared of him the whole time they’re back home.  He keeps one hostage… how much you wanna bet it was the meanest one?  It is the epitome of sibling rivalry, and Joseph is the champion of little brothers everywhere.

So the brothers (minus the hostage) go home but, of course, eventually run out of food again.  They have no choice but to go back and beg for more, terrified that they will be accused of stealing that money since they were already accused of being spies.  This time Joseph is much kinder.  He invites them to a banquet at his house, which freaks them out even more.  But Joseph feeds them well and is nice to themThe Art of Getting Even.  He cries a lot – hearing their voices must bring up so many memories and emotions.  He messes with them a little more until they are all properly intimidated.  Finally, he breaks down and there is a beautiful reunion.  Joseph brings his father and whole family to Egypt, where they are honored by Pharaoh and given a beautiful giant piece of the fertile land of Goshen.  Lots of years go by, and their dad dies.  The big brothers are really scared now, afraid that with their dad dead Joseph is about to go all Pharaoh on them.  Finally, so many years later, they apologize.  When Joseph hears this he breaks down and weeps.  I imagine this had been his new dream – to hear an apology.  I imagine he often wondered how he would respond, that sometimes he fantasized about chopping all their heads off and other times about joyful restoration.  When the day finally comes, forgiveness washes over him and through tears he says those famous words: “Don’t be afraid of me… You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.  He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many.”

EPILOGUE: So Joseph died when he was 110 years old, and embalmed in Egypt.  I don’t know much about embalming, but I do know that it was a long and expensive process reserved only for royalty or the very rich.  So we know one thing about this ridiculed Imaginative boy, the Dreamer of impossible dreams, the betrayed brother, the falsely accused man of integrity, the forgotten champion… one thing we know without a doubt:

He mattered.

It strikes me that we have nick-named him “Joseph the Dreamer.”  The man lived 110 years, saved the whole part of the world from starvation, and was second in command over all of Egypt… but we remember him most for two weird little dreams he had when he was a teenager.

Joseph always mattered, because God had a plan for his life.  But for many many years it sure didn’t seem like it and it didn’t make sense and there were no answers.  But Joe somehow held onto these dreams, these silly crazy impossible dreams.  I choose to believe that his imagination fueled his faith.  It is only with imagination that we can find the light and hope and purpose in the middle of prison darkness.  Joe hung in there.  He kept doing his best even though no one could tell him why his story was so painful.  Even though he got interpretations to every dream but his own.  Could I do that?  Would I be so strong?  Would I remain so faithful and live with such integrity?  I hope so.  I don’t know.

When I look behind me, my path is littered with bits and pieces of once-beloved dreams.  I think back over my own adventure… I have been rejected, kicked out, betrayed.  I have failed miserably.  I have excelled and felt like I was finally on the brink of “making it,” only to be knocked back down again.  At this point in my life I have immense respect for Joseph.  I’m just a few years younger than he was when he got his answers.  And I’m learning.  The longer I live the longer I realize life really is.  I feel less rushed and more patient.  The energy behind my dreams is slowly fading, but my passion and determination is growing.  Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.  The youthful energy propels us through the stupidity and foolishness we must endure to gain experience and wisdom… which really can only come through making mistakes (and lots of them).  Joseph learned to dream as a child.  He learned to administer as a slave.  He learned to command the respect of others as a prisoner.  Each chapter felt like a failure, but without these experiences he would not have been a good ruler.  And it was as a ruler, with the power to imprison and punish, that he learned to forgive.  He never guessed that his dream would turn out the way it did.  There was no way, as a kid watching the sheep in the field, he could have ever in a million years imagined that things would have fallen into place the way they did.  You just can’t make that stuff up.

So may we dream long.  May our imaginations protect our fragile dreams through the tough times.  May we never forget what it was like to play barefoot in the dirt under a hot sun.  May reason never overpower our hope.  May we never give up on the impossible.  Most things were impossible once.  But above all else, may we never trade our dreams for apathy.  Because maybe today isn’t your day, but tomorrow might be the day that everything suddenly makes sense.

Dream shamelessly.  I dare you.
dreamer

 

 

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